I came up early today due to cancellation of class and on my way to my car I was in deep thought since I had misplaced my headphones to my ipod and so I could fill my head with music. I came up with a topic to write about that will probably be my most personal and stress inducing yet. That is, my roller coaster ride with Christianity.
After my dad died in 2006, I feel like there was a second Derek. Not in a bi-polar or split personality sense, but my opinions and feelings toward things in generally started to fluctuate. Before that point, I was a usually optimistic boy who had struggles with depression from time to time, but for the most part believed whole heartedly everything I was taught in church and youth groups. God always has you back and is always looking out for you, He doesn't guarentee that life will be perfect, but He doesn't give you more than you can handle and if you come to Him he'll always be there to confort you and guide you. He gave us his Word, the Bible, which is directly from God, contains no error or contradiction, and the only reason people ever doubt it is because they are ashamed of the sin in their life and are running from God. Life was grand.
In 2005, my parents got divorced. Stressful yes but I knew that life wasn't perfect and asked God to help me get through it. I was sad that my parents were split and life was going to be different from now on, but I believed God would see me though. Then in 2006, dad took me out to Chipotle and told me that the reason he and mom had divorced was because he had an affair before I was born and that I have a half sister as a result (who is an amazing person). He asked me to forgive him for it and I did. Nonetheless however, I was very disturbed. I still felt that things would be okay in the long run.
But. Oh, indeed a resounding but.
Two days. TWO freaking days later, I was at my mom's house when we got a phone call. I remember it vividly. I felt a sense of panic because without me knowing why, mom had collapsed on the counter and let out a blood-curdling shriek followed by tears saying that dad had been in a motorcycle accident. A bad one. He had not been wearing a helmet and had been thown from his motorcycle after a collision with another car, landing straight on the asphalt on his unprotected head. He was now in critical collision in a coma at the hospital. This was the single unquestionably most profound moment in my life. It was not a good one. I remember seeing his bloody body in the emergency room and feeling a part of me die. I have never gotten that part of me back.
The following two weeks were an absolute maddening hell. The worst two weeks of my life. Dad lay in the hospital with no projection on what his chances of survival are, but every day the news got a little bit bleaker. First it was a 50% chance of survival. Then 40%. Then 30%. Then 10. Then 5. Then 1. Every night I lay awake desperately praying to the point of tears. If there was ever a moment where I needed God, this was it. In the waiting room at the hospital everyday there was prayer circle of dad's friends, family, and even his old pastor. I believed that God would get us through this. I even thought perhaps this was the reason God was allowing this to happen. To bring all of dad's friends and family together to support him following a time of personal strife in his life. Against all odds I had faith that God would not let me or my family suffer the unthinkable sorrow of if dad were to die right now. However, mom said at dinner one night that the doctors had given up hope and that he has no chance of survival. I prayed even harder. I remember visiting hours the final night before they officially pulled the plug. Talking to my dad's comatose body that night was unbearable. I had just about given up all hope by this point and could only say my final goodbyes. When the doctor said the final visiting hours were over, walking out of that room was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Sure enough, the next morning, mom told me and heather that he was gone.
I still can't type this story without crying. I am right now.
There have been two Dereks since then, occupying the same mind and body. The fragile Derek who just wants to return to that blissful relationship with God again and who just wants to cry on his shoulder, who still loves God and believes that there is a big wonderful picture than I just can't see yet. And the Derek who is a hardened cynic, who realizes that God does not have your back in this life as much as you think He does. Sometimes you cry pleas to him in you desperate moments, and He does nothing. Not a word, not a single action or single shread of evidence that He exists at all. Whether He does exist or not, the outcome would just be the same. It is all unguided chance. Bad things happen to good people, and theres no purpose behind it. That's just how it is.
Throughout the recent years I've bounced back and forth between these two Dereks. In recent weeks, I've gravitated more towards cynic Derek and I hope to move back towards optimist Derek. But it has been overwhelmingly difficult in light of the most recent events. To fuel this fire, there has been another instance of great dissapointment in wake of a ray of hope where God at first appears at work. My sister has been struggling with a drug addiction for a year now. She went to rehab for a month and said when she got out that she has full faith in Jesus to keep her from relapsing and she will focus on Him and His strength to get her through this. She relapsed the night she got out of treatment. Guess Jesus wasn't enough. And presently, she's fallen so far that I caught her stealing my bank checks and writing them out to herself. As I was writing this entry, she visited my house and I couldn't even crack a smile at her because I'm still just furious.
So pardon me if I seem like I'm a little hesitant to pray out loud at small groups, or don't seem all that choked up when people talk about the overwhelming compassion that God has shown them. Because I don't feel it. Instead I feel like Job. I feel like I've tried and tried to honor and serve God to the best of my ability, and life just continues to suck as God looks on, if He exists at all. The Bible says we are all hopelessly indebted to God, quite frankly I sometimes feel that I don't owe Him a damn thing.
I feel like I can't even read the Bible anymore without some glaring doubt jumping off the pages and into my brain. I spend a lot of time at Christian apologetics sites that reconcile supposed flaws in the Bible that people point out. And I try to believe them as best as I can. Why does God appear to have predestined everything from the beginning of the universe in some verses, and seem appalled and even surprised at humanities actions at other parts in the Bible, to where He has to flood the Earth, or put 10 plauges on Egypt? Some things we just can't understand, a man trying to understand God is like a worm trying to understand a man, etc. Why do God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirt seem to be three seperate Gods at some points, while at other points God insists that He is singular and the only God in existence? Cause both are true at the same time of course, it's called the Trinity! Why does God sometimes seem tender, infinitely forgiving, and compassionate at some points and at other points seem like He has a zero-tolerance attitude with sin, killing people at the slightest transgression, like with Uzzah or the wife of Lot? Because He cannot tolerate sin in His presence but loves humanity so much that He sent Jesus to die for our sins. Why does God need a sacrifice to die in order to forgive sins, while people seem perfectly capable of forgiving people without killing anyone? Because God's ways are higher than our ways and we just can't undertand Him.
A lot of the time I can believe these things and all is well, but sometimes in small groups or church, when people make it sound like everything is great and there is no reason to doubt God whatsoever, I remember the entire story I typed up above, and suddenly suddenly switch to hurt, angry, frustrated, cynical Derek, and all of a sudden the answer in my head seems very different. Why do all these seeming contradictions concerning God seem to exist? Because it's all a bunch of stupid shit that a bunch of stupid primitive people living before the printing press and Dark Ages just made up and couldn't keep their conflicting stories straight, thats why. It then seems to me that Christianity is all just a stupid game and a sick joke, grown men believing in childish stories. On top of that, Christianity doesn't exactly have a pure track record of getting people to do avoid doing unspeakable things. Modern persecution and bullying of gay people, the crusades, the inquisition, science being hindered. Having no doubts or a questioning mind has shown itself to be extremely harmful, so it isn't exactly like one has nothing to loose for believing something even if it isn't true.
Overall, I am still a Christian and have no intention of leaving. But sometimes I strongly feel pulled towards a cynical worldview. I felt the need to type this thing up and I'm not really sure how to end it. I'll be continuing the struggle and trusting God, but there are obstacles.
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